WHERE THE CANDIDATES STAND

In this, the information age, we are often bombarded with so much information so quickly, it tends to render itself indistinct. This is especially true in regards to the current Presidential race between President George W. Bush and Senator John F. Kerry. The constant barrage of factoids and soundbites, in addition to the candidates’ own occasionally murky declarations, have left many voters confused as to what these candidates actually stand for. As a life-long politics junkie, I am most interested in getting to the bottom of things. Therefore, as a service to my readers, I have compiled the following easy to follow chart to sum up the beliefs and and positions of the candidates on a variety of important issues.

TAXES:
Bush—Seeks to lessen the tax burden on working families with a 5% across the board income tax reduction for families who attend more than two NASCAR races annually or have a net worth of over $5 million.

Kerry—Has called for a freeze on sales tax for yachts, Brie, white wine, and caviar. Also supports the NASCAR tax credit, but mistakenly believes NASCAR to stand for National Association for Sincere Criminals Attempting Rehabilitation

IMMIGRATION:
Bush—Would grant illegal immigrants immediate amnesty, provided they canvass for Republican candidates. Failing that, they will be sent to Alaska for a 7-year period of indentured servitude, seeking oil, unless they are baseball superstar Sammy Sosa.

Kerry—Has called for all illegal aliens to attend finishing school. Supports a tax break for all foreign-born ketchup heiresses.

FOREIGN POLICY:
Bush—Unilateral pledge to deploy military troops to any nation starting with the letter “I.” Vows to make the world safe for barbeque. Willing to send Toby Keith to North Korea, even without UN approval.

Kerry—Supports the President’s power to wage war when necessary, unless it’s not really necessary. Opposes unilateral use of armed forces abroad, unless it’s what the President wants to do, but suggests he not, unless he thinks it’s best, which he stresses it isn’t.

EDUCATION:
Bush—Backs federal funding for school programs in Wiffle Ball, badminton, and croquet. Will make Tee Ball an officially recognized academic requirement for grade-schoolers, replacing mathematics.

Kerry—Supports tax credit for families with children who can convincingly speak like President John F. Kennedy.

GAY MARRIAGE:
Bush—Seeks a constitutional amendment making all homosexuals officially recognized by the government as “Fairies” and “Dykes.” Will not oppose the civil union of homosexuals, provided they marry someone of the opposite sex.

Kerry—Supports mandatory gay marriage for all Americans over the age of 18.

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN’S “THE VILLAGE”:
Bush—Found the film dull and the monsters unconvincing. Walked out of screening just after opening credits, which he found “too wordy.”

Kerry—Claims the film is an intelligent allegory about post 9/11 America, reminiscent of the work of Truffaut, Antonioni and Godard, and claims he would “totally do” Ron Howard’s daughter.

TODD BERTUZZI:
Oddly, both candidates are silent about the fate of National Hockey League miscreant Todd Bertuzzi.

PIZZA:
Bush—Says he will not take a stand on pizza, as it tends to mush it down and leave shoe prints in the cheese.

Kerry—Has not eaten pizza in 34 years.

MAD-LIBS:
Bush—Favors the use of Mad-Libs on long car trips or while hanging out with fraternity buddies. Believes they should be somewhat racy, but not use obscene language, favoring words like “thing” and “booty.”

Kerry—Believes Mad-Libs should only be written in French

M*A*S*H:
Bush—Prefers the early, Wayne Rogers/McLean Stevenson seasons, which he describes as “Really wacky.” Enjoyed the 1970 Robert Altman film, especially “That scene of Hot Lips in the shower, whoo boy!” Allegedly refers to Senator Kerry as “Winchester” and has asked cabinet members to address him as President Trapper John.

Kerry—When asked, Senator Kerry responded “Who among us didn’t enjoy the final episode of M*A*S*H?” Prefers the later, more sober Mike Farrell/Harry Morgan seasons. Attended at least five Washington costume parties dressed as Hawkeye Pierce.

MARS:
Bush—Will support a plan for sending a man to Mars. Also claims to enjoy Mars bars, although he has stated he misses the commercials with Jamie Farr.

Kerry—Supports sending President Bush to Mars